REWIND - My Sexual History, part 1

After reading more and more blogs of others in my situation, I realize it may be helpful for me to take a step back and fill-in my sexual history a bit.  It's been a long process in getting to the point in my life where I am not afraid to identify as gay, and how we evolve into healthy sexual beings is a partial function of our early experiences.  This being said, the details of the journey may hold more of relevance than I had originally thought, especially as an illustration that my attraction to other guys is innate and not chosen.  So, from now on, when you see me start a post with 'REWIND' in all-caps, this means it's a story or recollection from my past that is relevant to who I am today. 

In my last post, I had said there was no mutual same sex-play with others when I was young.  That's not entirely accurate.  I never did the pubescent/adolescent circle jerk, but I did have some shared curiosity with others my age during almost all phases of my childhood.  Here's a summary of the formative encounters.

My earliest memory of curiosity about other boys had to have been when I was about five years old.  Our family was close to another family in our neighborhood and we did everything together - picnics, beach trips, ski trips, church activities.  They had a couple of sons and their youngest, Darren, was about five years older than I was.  Though we didn't have a lot of overlap in play or maturity, we did get put together often at the end of the day to share a bath.  At the age of five, I remembered how much this excited me to be naked with Darren in the bath tub, even to the point of often saying "I want to take a bath with Darren!".  He was considerably more developed than I was at five.  Sitting cross-legged facing in each other in the bath, his larger penis and scrotum were on full view - and I couldn't keep my eyes off of them.   I do not remember ever having this kind of intense curiosity when I was in the tub with girls.

In third grade I would often sleep over at a friend's house whom I met at school that year.  Our friendship didn't last that long, and I think it was because we were not in same classroom after that year.  My enduring memory is of him trying to get me to "butt-fuck", like he said he did with another friend of his when they took a bath together.  This completely freaked me out and scared me off from taking a bath with him.  As a result, he and his parents always chastised me for being so modest.

Around the time I was ten years-old, bath time with my cousin who lived a few hours away was always something I looked forward to when I would sleep over.  My malignant fear of getting an erection when around other naked boys was neutralized while with Jason.  I didn't have to care about being at full mast around him because he always had a hard-on the whole time as well.  We would take turns sliding down the back slope of the bathtub like it was a slide, ramming into each other with our legs open.  I remember how good this felt, this contact of my boner with whatever part of his body was in my path.

I guess a real turning point for me, as for any pubescent boy, was when I discovered masturbation.  When I was eleven years-old, my neighborhood friends and I would spend almost all of our time after school playing in the woods and creeks that were scattered around our neighborhood.  One day my best friend, Eric, and I were joined by another kid in our class named Clay who lived just outside our territory.  We were hanging around by the creek when Clay asked us "Have you guys ever made white stuff squirt out of your dicks?".  After a shared double-take, Eric and I turned to Clay and said "what?" in unison.  Clay went on to describe how we were supposed to rub our penises to make it happen.  At that point Eric and I didn't wait to go home to try it out.  The three of us each went behind a separate tree and took an initial stab at it.  None of us were successful.  I sat there tugging at my hard dick aimlessly wondering what was supposed to happen.

The revelation didn't occur until the next day, when I was at home all by myself...