A Hard Goodbye to my Best Friend

A tough day today.  My best friend and his wife left to go home today after being with me and my wife for the weekend.  If she and I weren't married, I think I would have had a talk with him a few years ago to let him know that I truly love him in a romantic way and that I could contemplate living my life with him, openly.  He and (to a limited degree) my wife seem to be the only two people who understand who I truly am - and love and accept me for it.  About a year and a half ago as he left to get on a plane to go home after a visit, I told him that I loved him while hugging him goodbye, and not in a qualified way.  He said he loved me too, and as he patted my back in a big bear hug, I felt a sense of  warmth I had rarely felt in my life.

At the beginning of our friendship when he and I were in our early twenties, I am fairly certain he came-on to me two or three times.  Our relationship was not nearly as strong back then, and though I have always been quite physically attracted to him, I was frozen and unable to react (although my heart was racing and a I was trembling all over).  I have lived with never-ending regret that I just blew it off like nothing happened - a chance to see what sex with a man would be like before marriage and children came along.  He likely is in the same situation I am - now married and committed to his wife and son, but dealing with conflicting aspects of his sexuality.  My heart longs for him - to be with him and to make love to him, but I don't think that will ever happen.  This realization brought me to tears as I drove in my car today.

My wife remains disconnected from me physically.  During a fight on the day before Thanksgiving, I made damn sure she knew how hard it has become for me to share a bed with her when she when she will not touch me.  Does she not feel the urge to connect sexually?  Does she not care that I feel more emotionally isolated and adrift than ever before in our marriage?  I rarely cry in front of her, but the choice was either to expose my frustration through tears or go into a rage and say some very mean and heartless things to her - just to make sure she felt the same degree of hurt that I do on a daily basis.