"I jerk-off all the time. I don't have any issue with it." I said to my therapist. "No one ever talks about this, you know, but the truth is I jerk-off once or sometimes twice a day."
Another first. I couldn't believe I was hearing myself say this out loud. My therapist laughed. I am sure he knows what I know as a health care professional, which is that ALL males and females continue to masturbate throughout their entire lives. A blessing is that my wife and I are remarkably relaxed about doing it. When we first were dating and even into early marriage, we would attempt to conceal it if one of us caught the other in the act. In recent years though, I don't even cover up if she walks in on me with my member in hand - we both just snicker and allow the other some privacy to finish. The truth is that masturbating is the definitive act of my sexual life right now, and as such it needs to be included in any exploration of my sexuality.
A brief masturbatory history:
I had my first orgasm at age eleven, after receiving some cursory instruction from other kids at school. It scared the living hell out of me. I thought I was having a heart attack, and vowed never to do it again if I survived. Curiosity being what it is, though, I was at it again before the end of the next day. Throughout junior high, high school, and college I would average about twice a day. Back then I would force myself only to fantasize about women when I jacked-off, even though I would always feel driven to imagine myself getting naked with my male friends and having sex.
Like those days when I was growing up, jacking-off is now the only fulfilling and pure sexual activity I have at 42 years old. My wife has had no interest in sex for about two years. Despite my strong homosexual orientation lately, I miss making love to her - I miss the closeness when we're naked and giving each other pleasure. I have felt for a long time, though, that she only lets me penetrate her as a obligation of marriage. I feel completely undesired. I'm a normal looking guy, nothing special - but nothing horrible either. Present in me is a real need for her to want to touch me and love me physically, but I just don't think she connects in that way anymore - she just doesn't get it. I feel very present with her when we have sex - I don't need to resort to fantasies during sex to get off. I feel sad that at this relatively vital time in my life, massaging my own genitals is more enjoyable and more fulfilling than having her do it.
So - masturbation is important to me. VERY important. Masturbating has come to represent more than simply blowing a load, as when I was growing up. It is a truly life-affirming and loving act for me. I can touch myself in exactly the places and ways that I want, and make it a time of self-comfort and partial dissociation. I can be with whomever I want to in my mind without dealing with the guilt of infidelity. My fantasies have grown exclusively homosexual as I've grown older, and center on male friends and experiences I have had in the past. I admitted this to my therapist, and to myself. I don't know what it means about my sexuality that I do enjoy intimacy with women and like to express myself sexually to them. I've never had any sexual experiences with men, but have had sex with seven women in my life. I can't help but feel pretty passionate in my desire in recent years to make love to another man, though. This is where it gets really confusing for me.
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