Recently I find my self wondering at work and in my social life....does anyone know about me? Does anyone suspect? Is there some morsel of thought or expression I left unchecked in my daily interactions with the people in my life? Did I give it away that I dig guys without intending to?
The answer, more and more as the days pass in my life, is I don't really fucking care.
Confidence in myself - the rightness of who I am and how I am meant to be - is blossoming. Anyone who is close to me who may have a problem with my sexuality is officially handed their hat and given leave. I am not going to obsess over it anymore. It has been such a long time in finding this clearing in the woods, but the light is shining through.
It has it taken me 40+ years to find this place.
I have been watching a lot of gay cinema recently. Initially I was drawn to the depictions of sex and soft-core porn aspects of it. Now, I find myself much more interested films that have great character and relationship development. Intimacy between two men has come to touch me deeply - much more than the thrill of seeing two naked guys roll around for a few minutes. Seeing love develop between men is so deeply mysterious and satisfying to me.
not sure what you mean by gay cinema but check the movie The Weekend. its on Netflix (where i saw it) and its a movie about to gay guys that grow to like each other after a one night stand. its my favorite gay movie and pretty realistic. ive watched it about 4 times now haha
ReplyDeleteYes - Weekend was excellent. Great film.
DeleteHave you seen Shelter? I think it's terrific. I've seen it about four times as well. Latter Days is also one of my absolute favorites. Each have good production quality and the relationships between the characters are really moving.
I finally caught up on the rest of your posts. (luckily there weren't many) I know you probably have a zillion excellent reasons to stay in your marriage, but I truly hope one day you get out of it and get to experience the joy of being with another man that you want so badly. You're only 40something, and even if you were 50 something or 60 something, if you're not happy and if something's missing, there's no reason you can't start achieving what you want tomorrow. Yea there are all the buts of why you can't get out, but take it from a complete stranger, subtract all the actual real life problems and all I can see is that it boils down to that you want to be with a man. It's that simple so why are you denying yourself? The possibility will always be there and I hope you go for it someday soon.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you've checked out twolives blog http://ifidotherightthing.blogspot.com/ it's just a great example that the life you really want to have could happen. I'm always happy to email with you if you want to talk.
Wow. Much more to say than can be said here. Check your email and let's get a conversation started.
DeleteThanks.